How I Helped My Son Overcome Freshman Year Homesickness
By Ethan Miller
College can be a fascinating experience. Exploring the campus, making new friends, juggling academics and extracurriculars, living in a dorm, etc., sound really exciting. But it can be equally nerve-wracking if you feel homesick and you’re a thousand miles away from the comfort of your home. Unfortunately, my son was down with homesickness for the first few weeks of his freshman year.
Let me first break the myth that independent and happy teens don’t get homesick. When the overwhelming feeling of being out of your comfort zone kicks in, it can make anybody feel homesick. Not just college students, but even migrant workers and refugees feel homesick when they are in a foreign country. According to psychology textbooks, the feeling of missing the comfort of your home can be attributed to adjustment disorder. It is human nature to feel overwhelmed and homesick when thrown into an unfamiliar environment.
In the first few days of college, my son started calling home 3-4 times a day. During his calls, he would go on and on about how college is not what he expected. My wife and I thought that these were just the initial jitters of entering a new phase in his life. Little did we know that these jitters would turn into a full-blown meltdown. It became quite clear to me that my son was homesick and if I handled the situation tactfully, it might subside gradually. Equipping your child to cope with homesickness is half the battle won.
I have always looked at things through a scientific lens, and dealing with homesickness was no different. I read through multiple research papers to understand why a person feels homesick and how the brain functions during homesickness. Like I had mentioned before, homesickness is closely related to adjustment disorder. It is not really about missing home or missing parents. Homesickness is all about feeling like a fish out of water when subjected to change in the environment.
Though my son mentioned that he really missed home and wanted to come back, I understood that he was just missing the comfort of his old life in his hometown. Once I realized that homesickness is a psychological issue, I came up with different ways to help him overcome the feeling of missing home. If your college freshman is feeling homesick, here are a few things that you can do to help them:
Listen intently and respond with empathy
When your teen tells you that they are feeling homesick, most parents don’t take it seriously. Instead of brushing it off as a passing phase (which it is), listen carefully to what your freshman has to say. It is important to understand that you are a pillar of support for your child in the initial few months of college and they fall back on you when homesickness hits them hard. Most of the times, your freshman child will call home just to vent out their negative feelings about college.
My son kept complaining about how annoying his dorm mate was and how it was impossible to share the room with him. While some of it might have been true, I knew that my son was not an ideal roommate either. Being a single child, he had never even shared his toys with anyone let alone a room. Instead of pointing out his flaws, I just comforted him by stating that I understood his problems.
When you listen intently, you show that you care. And please refrain from giving advice until your teen asks for it. Instead, respond with empathy. Tell them that you understand how they feel and that you are there for them. Let them know that everything will be alright.
Encourage your teen to follow their hobby
Every child has a hobby. Some kids like to dance, some play basketball and some like to paint. As a parent of a homesick freshman, you need to remind them of their hobbies and let them know how good it made them feel. You need to gently nudge them to indulge in their hobbies.
Swimming is one of my son’s favorite hobbies. In his hometown, he would often head to the lake for a refreshing swim with his bunch of friends. It was a great stress reliever for him. Lack of a natural water body around his college meant that there was no way to release his frustration. I encouraged him to enrol in the swim club in college. Initially, he wasn’t thrilled at the idea of swimming in a pool. But with further persistence from my end, he started heading to the swimming pool more often and ended up being friends with other students who loved to swim.
Indulging in hobbies will not only take their mind off the overwhelming changes around them but it might also help them in meeting like-minded people and making new friends.
Maintain a balance
It is important to be supportive of your son or daughter when they are struck by homesickness. But you should not be overprotective of them at all times. As a parent, you need to strike a balance between being there for your child and letting them figure out their own way out. If your teen calls you all the time looking for advice, you need to let them know that you trust their judgment and you will support them even when things go wrong. In order to adjust to college life, your freshman child should have the freedom to make mistakes and learn from their mistakes.
During the initial few weeks, my son would call me a lot looking for financial advice. Instead of telling him how to handle his expenses, I encouraged him to figure it out on his own. I told him that we supported him regardless of how he chose to manage his finances. My wife and I both agreed that he was using financial advice as a crutch to call us often as he misses the comfort of home where we, as his parents, took care of all his expenses.
Encourage them to trust their gut feeling and venture out of their comfort zone. I guess what I am trying to say is to be there for your child but don’t make them dependent on you for everything.
Share your freshman stories
One thing that college students hate the most is unsolicited advice. As a parent, it is obvious to feel perturbed by your child’s homesickness. In order to guide their children through this tough phase, many parents resort to unsolicited advice without realizing that it does more harm than good. Instead of offering advice, try slipping in your freshman stories in the conversation with your teen. Make sure you tell how you felt during the initial few weeks of your college life and how you adjusted to the changes. Recount stories of how you made friends and how you managed to live on your own. These stories will inspire your freshman to see things differently. It might give them an assurance that everything will fall in place eventually.
Be patient
Last, but not least, be patient with your homesick teen. Some freshmen take longer than others to find their groove in college. Keep pushing them gently to go out of their shell and explore a whole new life ahead of them.
After 2-3 weeks of following these steps, my son finally got over homesickness and started seeing college life in a new light. He is all set to graduate next year and his homesick phase seems like a distant past. Homesickness is like a gatecrashing guest that can spoil the fun of the party. If it is nipped in the bud, college can be a warm and welcoming place for your freshman.